My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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