I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
