my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
COCAINE IS GR8
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize