I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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