There's always time for handjobs
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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