I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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