i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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