I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
