he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
