The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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