What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
