I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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