stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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