We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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