I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
