Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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