and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
