i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
