Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
