I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
