I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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