Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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