On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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