I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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