just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
