he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
