I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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