my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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