jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
