i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
