toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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