I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
