She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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