obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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