i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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