So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
