a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
