We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
