Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
