adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
