Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
