I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
