This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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