She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
