You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
