You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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