My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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