tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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