All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
