mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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