I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
