I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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