I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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