The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
FUCK WHALES
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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