I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
