im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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