Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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