It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
