I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize