I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
