We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
