I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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