Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
nutella sex= disaster
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
