It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize