I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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