it wasn't lemon gatorade
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize