What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
